have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
