I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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