How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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