Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
