i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
