my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
