My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
sarcasm needs its own font
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
