In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
her vagine was all disorganized.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
