You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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