Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
