I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
