I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
