Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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