The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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