Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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