No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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