Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
