just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
