you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
