either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
