some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
