He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
