My brain says no but my pants say off.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
