He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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