My hair reeks of homosexuality.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
