If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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