God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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