Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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