its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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