but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
