i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
