He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
