hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
