yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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