I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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