there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Congratulations! We have a period
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
