i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
