aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
