Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
