Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
