By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
