im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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