I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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