Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
