you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
