Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
