She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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