Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
