I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
