I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
